Lady discovers her spiritual gift is sending forwarded emails

For many years Mildred Swanson had struggled as she was trying to determine her spiritual gift. Whenever her pastor periodically addressed the topic of discovering and using one’s spiritual gift she felt convicted since she could not identify a specific gift.

However she rejoices in that she has now discovered her spiritual gift; sending email forwards. She collects all the email addresses she can and adds them to her growing email contact list, now numbering in the thousands. She knows very few of them personally, but is certain her emails are a source of blessing and surely people want them.

Several times throughout the day she forwards messages to her growing list of collected addresses, considering her forwards to be uplifting moments in the recipient’s day.

Our ALF reporter, SCW, managed to sit down with her in her modest home in suburban Walla Walla, Washington where she carries on her “ministry” from her home computer. She excitedly told us that she has sent as many as 38 forwards a day and feels she is now reaching millions for Christ as she considers how many of her forwarded messages are in turn forwarded by others ad infinitum.

Her forwarded emails vary but essentially she sends anything that she feels might be of interest to others. She sends inspirational stories, virus warnings and the touching emails she regularly receives from rich widows in Nigeria.

According to our ALF reporter, Ms. Swanson senses a “leading” to forward them.  When asked if she reads the messages prior to sending them, she replied, “O my! I  don’t have time to read all those emails; I’d rather invest my time in forwarding them.” She not only wants to provide opportunities for others to be blessed, but she herself also expects an extra blessing from the chain emails that promise a special blessing if you forward them on.

Our reporter managed to contact Les Longenecker by phone. Les, who is on Mildred’s list stated, “I don’t even know Mildred Swanson and have no idea how she got my email address. Actually after a week of getting her messages I placed her on my spam list so I don’t even see them now, although I guess I’m still on her list. For a week or so before I filtered her, all throughout the day my email would pop up with another “You’ve got mail” and it was from Mildred Swanson!

ALF also interviewed her pastor, Dr. Willard Frankhauser, concerning Mildred’s understanding of spiritual gifts. “Although this [email forwarding] is not listed in the Bible I certainly believe there may be modern gifts that are not specifically mentioned but nevertheless have the essential qualities of spiritual gifts” he responded. When pressed concerning the inevitable frustrations or fury from indisposed recipients of Mildred’s “ministry” he shrugged his shoulders and smilingly demurred: “Mildred is a sweet lady and a long-time member of our church. I am sure she means well and I’m also on her list.  Some of her material is a bit far-out but I expect readers will use discernment and of course there’s always the delete button.”

“Do You See What I See?”

About ten years ago I recall a minister’s Christmas party we had in New England where we were encouraged to share humorous or touching Christmas experiences. The funniest experience and one that many of my male friends can identify with happened this way:

A fellow pastor shared that one year he was leading a Christmas Eve Service.  It was a  solemn part of the service and he was singing, “Do you see what I see?” in his powerful and very earnest baritone voice.  As he was singing he tried to make eye contact with the people but noticed many of them with their heads down and others were trying to cover their uncontrollable smiles.  Some were actually laughing out loud in a quiet sort of way. What was possibly so funny about this serious song during a time of worship?  Inside his heart he was a bit miffed by their disrespect.

After he took his seat in the pew he quickly realized that he had failed to properly close (zip up) up a particular item on his trousers. The question he repeated often throughout the song “Do you see what I see?” seemed to bring recurrent attention to the all too visible problem!

No Quarreling on the Sabbath!

Just about every Thanksgiving I share with a school or church group the history of the pilgrims who came from England to the new world in 1620.  This year I spoke on how the pilgrims acknowledged the Sabbath Day.  

Many rules and regulations were imposed upon them for what they were allowed to do or restricted from doing from sundown on Saturday to sundown on Sunday evening. Some of these rules I read from the old English which requires readers to listen carefully for the New English equivalent. One rule I mentioned was that married couples weren’t allowed to quarrel on the Sabbath. In fact Bradford recorded one couple being fined 40 shekels for doing so.   After I finished my talk Stephen walked down to the fellowship hall with others who were preparing to enjoy a meal together.

Two men approached him and asked, “What did she mean when she said that ‘married couples weren’t allowed to crawl on the Sabbath?’”  With a twinkle in his eye one of the men said, “I’m pretty sure I know what that would mean but just want to make sure.”  

Well, they approached me next and asked the same thing.  When I clarified the word “crawl” to be “quarrel” they had a good laugh as they realized crawl was not a euphemism for marital relations but in fact I was speaking of a couple who were arguing on Sunday.

However based upon our study “marital relations” were indeed also forbidden on the Sabbath!

Worship Pastor fired for not being “cool” enough

Chet Samuels

Farmers Branch, Texas – Two years ago Chet Samuels became the worship and arts pastor at the Farmer’s Branch Outreach Center, a large independent church in the burgeoning Dallas suburbs.  He initially felt at home in his new setting and the church seemed to be receptive to his ministry.

His problems started when he began to open the weekly worship practice with a brief devotional based upon the devotional, ”Our Daily Bread.” Some of the worship team felt it was a waste of time and they should read it at home on their own if they chose to do so. Some felt it was “legalistic” that he would even bring it up.

But his real problem surfaced when he began to insert a hymn into the 45 minute worship set. The final straw came when he directed the congregation away from the Powerpoint screen and instructed them to turn in their hymnals.  Many did not even know what he meant and began to pass the hymnals up to the front creating chaos in the church.

On Friday he was dismissed from his position.

Senior pastor Sam Smucker explained, “Hymns are generally regarded as ‘not cool’ and in this extremely competitive Dallas church market we just can’t afford to be identified as anything but “cutting edge cool.” The Living Word Community Church over in Grapevine is just killing us and we have lost a steady stream to them. The last thing we need is a hymn to destroy the church. Furthermore, many of our members complain they just can’t ‘get into worship’ if they sing a hymn. Chet is a nice enough fellow but just doesn’t fit around here. With his gifting he would probably be a better fit in a small town in the panhandle.”

A very candid Chip Hopkins who serves on the FBOC board elaborated, “Chet just wasn’t cool enough. We tried to get him to style his hair and wear a Bluetooth ear device at all times (even when he sleeps.)   We wanted him to dress with an open front shirt (preferably Hawaiian) but he had the gall to periodically wear a tie. That is so uncool!”

Pastor Chet does have an Ipod and Iphone but some have noticed he seems to have trouble using them. Hopkins stated, “He just sort of fumbles with the controls and seems unsure of himself. It sure doesn’t do much to instill confidence in his leadership.”

Chet was disappointed at his dismissal and wondered how it would look on his resume but is seeking direction from God. He feels there just must be some place he can serve although he does recognize he is perceived by many as rather old-fashioned.

Note: To avoid any further confusion the custodial staff collected the remaining hymnals in the FBOC sanctuary and will try to donate them to a homeless shelter or nursing home.

“View From The Pulpit”

 A rare view of what some pastors sometimes see from the pulpit, as they earnestly seek to expound on God’s Word.

More Bloopers

More Bloopers Found In Church Bulletins

or Announced in Church Services

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 
• Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:  “Break Forth Into Joy.”
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

(See previous post for the initial list)

 

Do you have a funny story, blooper or announcement similar to the above?

Please share it by leaving comment below (comments are moderated)

Church Bulletin Bloopers

 (This is a compilation of church bulletin bloopers I have come across.)

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. Evening Massage – 6 p.m.
4. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
5. Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 PM. Please use back door.
6. Ushers will eat latecomers.
7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
9. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
10. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
11. An announcement concerning the pastor’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
12. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
13. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
14. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
17. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
18. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
19. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
20. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
21. The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
22. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
23. The “Over 60’s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
24. A missionary from Africa, Bertha Belch, was to speak at Calvary Memorial Church. The announcement read: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
25. Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
26. Announcement for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.”
27. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”

Inventor of SPAM wins Nobel Prize

 

Stockholm, Sweden – The Nobel Prize committee announced that Frederick L. Sternman has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his contribution to mankind.

Sternman is widely recognized as the inventor of SPAM email.  Like many great accomplishments his began small.  He tells his story, “In 1994 I was on several bulletin board discussion groups and had carefully collected the various email addresses of participants. I believe it was in October that I sent out a group email using these collected addresses advertising my Aunt Hildah’s mop solution for cleaning hardwood floors. It was at that point I realized the great potential for this. Although no one bought any of Aunt Hildah’s solution it’s as if a light came on. Thousands, even millions, could be reached inexpensively. Now in 2007 I marvel at how many have been impacted by my invention.”

Nobel Prize committee chairman Hanz Gunsberger smiled as he handed Sternman the prize.

He noted the following benefits to SPAM email and the great good it has done for mankind.

• Many lonely people appreciate these messages. “They just don’t get much email and the human touch is so needed in our hectic, fractured world. This just brings people together in our global community” Gunsberger noted.
• The dissemination of information just not available elsewhere, including products describing medical conditions people are not even aware they have and are very uncomfortable speaking to their doctors about.
• Making prescription medicines affordable to all.
• Providing top notch financial and investment advice.
• Expanding educational opportunities making college degrees available to all.
  
• Posting info about good, well-paying careers that people can do at home from their computer in only minutes a day.
• Helping rich African widows distribute their fortunes to worthy causes.
• Helping people to learn foreign languages. (many SPAM emails are in another language so the recipient must study to understand the message and thus learn a new language!) 
• Providing downloadable software at a fraction of market price.

There are many, many others noted Gunsberger and more all the time. “SPAM is the gift that keeps on giving.”

In accepting the Prize Sternamn stated, “This is just so incredibly meaningful to me. To think I am now in the same league with Yasser Arafat.” (Sternman converted to the Islam religion while in prison in the late nineties while serving time for internet fraud.)

Fellow Nobel prize winner Al Gore stated, “I am very happy for Fred. As the inventor of the Internet I am especially pleased to see my technology used for such worthy causes. The way I see it every email of this type is one less tree cut down for paper. He’s a brilliant man.”

A smiling Jimmy Carter, also a Nobel Prize recipient in the past stated, “I believe Fred has done much to advance world peace. Furthermore I have ordered products from these emails and they really do work.” 

But not everyone is happy. Jim Samuel who runs a firm devoted to stopping SPAM says. “I can’t believe this! These unsolicited messages are a tremendous nuisance, expense and time waster.”

Nobel prize chairman Gunsberger bristled at Samuel’s remarks, “There will always be hateful, intolerant, narrow-minded, bigoted people bent on stopping human progress” he stated. “We must ignore them and do the right thing. Furthermore hasn’t Jim Samuel heard of the delete button!”

Gunsberger gave some hints at future prize nominees but emphasized they had not been voted on yet. Those under consideration include:

• Osama Bin Laden (Peace)
• Dr. Jack Kervakin, who developed the partial birth abortion procedure. (Medicine)
• Ruth Beder Frinkman, professor at Columbia who first identified homophobia. (Sociology)
• John Starswell, who invented PacMan
• Richard Simmons, for promoting fitness worldwide
• Karen Laftery for inventing the hula hoop, (Physics)
• Larry Flint (Literature)
  
• Elias P. Spamnen for inventing canned SPAM (posthumously)
  

SPAM website

“Church Serves Starbucks Coffee”

 

We were visiting in Williamsburg, Virginia and decided to see what churches were available so we turned to the Yellow pages in the phone book in our hotel.

I suppose competing for church visitors is pretty hard these days but it’s been awhile since I looked through church ads in the Yellow pages. It was quite an eye opener.

One church attempted to attract visitors by it’s large display ad promoting their choice of dress as ”casual clothing” and their choice of drink as “Starbucks coffee.”  I’m not kidding. We didn’t attend the church although I periodically do enjoy a strong cup of coffee.  

Both features are worthy of comment but in today’s post we will examine the coffee.

Our ALFN reporter did some research on this matter and discovered that a Barna survey among 700 potential church goers determined that 76.23% of those surveyed feel churches generally have bad coffee.

Freddie Smith, a twenty-something IT specialist was interviewed by phone. ”I tried several churches but they all had really bad coffee. It’s gonna take a lot for me to ever try church again. If the coffee is bad what does that say regarding whatever else they have to offer?”

Mick Tome serves on his church’s S&W committee in Mount Hope, Washington to identify strengths and weaknesses in his church. “We realized we just weren’t making the grade with our coffee and pastries so we spent 3 hours discussing this”, he shared. “We tested various coffees and pastries and sought the Lord on this matter. We are going with Seattle’s Best (a regional favorite) for coffee and Panara Bread for pastries. Sister Martha had been getting the pastries Saturday night at the local Piggly Wiggly but will now be traveling 75 miles early each Sunday morning to Walla Walla to get an assortment of fresh pastries from the nearest Panara Bread.”

Pastor Wally Cleaver from Hinkletown, PA shared of his burden for souls and his contention that one of the greatest hindrances to reaching the lost in our generation is bad coffee in church. He sees their use of Starbucks as a means of fulfilling the Great Commission. Pastor Cleaver wiped a tear from his eyes as he recalls the years of bad coffee as his church used the cheapest they could get from the Ollie’s Bargain Outlet in nearby Lancaster. “How could we have missed something so obvious?” he stated.

Pastor Eddie Haskell serves a country church near Hickory, North Carolina.  ”The coffee really isn’t an issue for us”, Haskell reports, “any hot, black coffee is fine but our people and community know good pastries. We are going with Krispy Kreme and everybody is really happy. We’ve seen several new families start coming.” He added, “Our special ‘Christian’ weight loss program is also growing and we are considering forming a committee to study what is contributing to this growth.”

Starbucks spokesman Wilfed Stoner shared his enthusiasm on these marketing agreements. “The coffee cafe in local churches represents a massive new market for us”

ALFN finally interviewed Dr. Perry Minson, distinguished professor of church growth at Fuller Theological Seminary who has studied this issue extensively.  ”I am not surprised at these developments. We are seeing churches becoming more and more user friendly.  Churches are studying enhancements such as quality pew padding (partnering with Sealy mattress), valet parking and bottled water. For instance we find churches that provide bottled water have a 3.2% increase in their retention over water coolers” stated Minson.

In our research on church promotion techniques AFLN found little reference to terms such as Biblical preaching, sound doctrine, holy living or hymns. In fact these terms seem to be a real turnoff to “seekers”.

Pastor Chip Stallworth, pastor of the “We’re Cooler” Center in Castro Valley, California said these terms are anathema to today’s modern church. “The closest we would ever use is ‘relevant teaching’ but never ‘Biblical preaching’”, he stated as he sipped from his mint creamy latte. “We always seek to be relevant. That’s the main thing!”

“An Unusual Prayer Request”

 

Fred and Wanda were a dear older couple in the little country church we pastored in southern Missouri when we first got married in 1976. Fred had lost his right arm in an oil well accident many years earlier and his thumb on his left hand in a different accident, but he had learned to compensate and was a real blessing in helping us to renovate the little parsonage we lived in. In fact he did construction for a living.  It was an inspiration to watch him use a hammer and drive a nail with speed and strength with only four fingers and the stump of a severed arm.   

But our favorite memory of Fred was a prayer request. It was the custom in that little country church to ask the congregation what they wanted to pray about and various needs would be expressed.

One Sunday evening Fred requested prayer for a friend, “Pray for my friend Jim. He had a hysterectomy and is in a whole lot of pain.”  Wanda, who was sitting beside him went right along with him, nodding in agreement and weeping.  I suppressed a laugh as I noted the other older folks in the church didn’t see the problem with such a request.  I am not sure how I actually prayed that night but managed to get through it.

(We never tried to correct him or clarify but I think he meant another type of ectomy.)