The church was known for many years as Faith Community Church but Pastor Chip’s predecessor changed the name reckoning that a new, cool sounding name might attract more people.  But many in the area choose instead to drive to Horseshoe Curve Christian Center, a large mega church, on the outskirts of Altoona.

The church growth idea began innocently enough but in retrospect Pastor Chip feels it was a sign from the Lord.  It was on a Sunday morning that  Mandy, a high school student, brought a computerized baby to the Morning Worship service as part of a parenting class weekend assignment. The “baby” was programmed to cry at specified times, intending to remind the student of the rigors of parental responsibilities.

The small congregation warmly welcomed the new baby. They refered to the baby as “it” since it was gender neutral from its external appearance giving passersby no indication of whether it was a he or she.  Mandy generally sat in a pew with her parents and grandparents, but the addition of a new baby made for an even warmer sight.

Following the service many photos were snapped of the smiling  four generation family.  An older member quipped that it was refreshing to hear a baby cry (even if it was during the congregational Scripture reading).  He welcomed more of the same as he looked from one side to the other of adults gathered in the sanctuary.

The idea later hit Pastor Chip when he observed the offering and attendance slip prepared by the ushers. It stated the number of people in attendance and just below that number the ushers also added, “Computer Baby”.

“It was like a light that came on” chimed Pastor Chip when interviewed by our ALFN reporter. He had agonized over the slumping church attendance and then began to wonder if he might count the baby as part of the attendance.  After all, it did use the nursery services and it was publicly welcomed during the opening exercise. Then it hit him; why not invite more of the babies to church as a supplement to attendance?

He called the local school and spoke to Ms. Frackville, the teacher of the parenting class. She was pleased to allow the babies to be used by the church during the summer vacation. She assumed the church would likewise use them for parenting classes. That summer the church had a sudden spike in attendance of 25, doubling the usual summer attendance. This bolstered Pastor Skip’s self-esteem and he was lauded by his pastor peers for the increase in church growth during the usual summer dog days of  church attendance.

But a looming crisis was on the horizon as the date was approaching for the new school year to begin. The babies needed to be returned.

After a bit of brainstorming Pastor Smith  went online but found that computerized babies were very expensive even if purchased “used”. However in a board meeting Frank Davis recalled a baby doll his sister played with as a child. It had a pull spring that uttered phrases such as, “I love you Mommy”;  “I want a drink of milk”; “Hold me Mommy”.  The board determined that this talking baby had enough human-like qualities  to count as a real baby toward church attendance and the good news was that these doll babies were available in both sexes and less expensive than the computerized models.

The church is now running 275 though admittedly a large number are now in the nursery. Buzz about the church’s growth began to spread in the small community about  Got Faith’s growing attendance so that the adult congregation has expanded as well.

The board did vote down a suggestion by Deacon George Zeal to purchase an entire lot of 1,500 beanie babies he found at clearance price on Ebay. They determined that the beanie babies just weren’t real enough to count toward legitimate attendance.

This prompted a church split with George departing to start his own church in  nearby Beantown which now reports an attendance of 1501. He named the new church,  “The Matthew 19:14  Church”.

Our ALF reporter interviewed several concerning this new innovative church growth method. Charles Harris, a long time professor of Bible, declared, “You’ve got to be kidding me!”

But James Logan of the Emerging Church Network lauded the concept as a creative way to see church growth. He referred to the Great Commission where it states, “Go into all the world” and asked, “What part of ‘all the world’ do you not understand?”

Pastor Chip is now in demand as a church growth specialist and has had the opportunity to speak at several large church growth conferences.

Asked concerning future plans he said they are considering another means of growth; a life-like “Mr. Wonderful” his wife gave him  for Valentine’s Day several years ago. “Mr. Wonderful” is handsome with a big smile (big feet also.) When you press his cloth hand, in his distinguished deep male voice, he utters phrases like, “Honey, take all the time you want.  I don’t mind waiting for you one bit.” Or “You’re perfect JUST the way you are; I wouldn’t change ONE thing.”

Pastor Smith considers how having some Mr. Wonderfuls around might just prompt the men in the church to tend better to their marriages.  And who knows; perhaps taking couples to the next level will include the addition of a few Mrs. Wonderfuls who are known for such thoughtful expressions as, “Here Dear, you take the remote control.  Whatever you choose we’ll watch together.”

At the conclusion of the interview with our ALFN reporter Pastor Chip stated, “These are exciting times at Got Faith. It’s almost like we have a revival.”

We have a children’s sermon, a short message especially geared to the children, although presented to the entire congregation. We call the children up front and various members of our congregation take turns and often use an object lesson to illustrate their point.

An older retired minister in our church volunteered to take a turn. In his late eighties, he is very much loved and esteemed by our small congregation. He and his wife have such an earnest servant’s heart and willingness to serve wherever needed. He had used children’s messages in a previous pastorate so we looked forward to his message.

He showed the children a card with three 3′s on it (333) and asked what they saw. Next he turned the card so that it appeared to be 3 M’s and shared a short point on “Meandering”. As I recall he then turned it so that it formed 3 E’s, then turned it once again so that it formed 3 W’s, each time suggesting a new meaning and a Scriptural principle.  So far so good.

Then he inexplicably told a joke that his brother had shared with him over the phone and this is where it got very interesting.

Most of us preachers know what it’s like to have an illustrative story or  joke  that we really want to tell and we will try somehow to fit it into a message. We may at times develop a spiritual point that relates to the story so that we can use it. (Not the best sort of sermon prep but I confess to doing it on more than one occasion.) In the case of our daily encouragement ministry, stories from our life often find their way into a message, but that is a different format, similar to a blog.

He proceeded to tell this story to the children and the entire congregation:

His brother had called to tell him he had a prostate exam. During the exam the doctor used two fingers.  His brother said after the exam,  “Doctor, I felt two fingers instead of one. Usually you use one finger.  Why did you use two instead?”   The doctor replied, “I used two just in case you wanted a second opinion.”

Now, for the life of me I’m not sure what he was trying to illustrate that related to his message, perhaps that’s because the TMI illustration overpowered the principle he was trying to teach. I’m afraid the adults will remember the children’s sermon and its illustration much longer than they will remember the adult sermon that day!  I also don’t know whether the parents might have had some questions when they got home.

We have had some funny moments in church but I didn’t think we would ever top the prayer request from early in our ministry but this experience may very well be just as memorable.

A fellow pastor shared that one year he was leading a Christmas Eve Service.  It was a  solemn part of the service and he was singing, “Do you see what I see?” in his powerful and very earnest baritone voice.  As he was singing he tried to make eye contact with the people but noticed many of them with their heads down and others were trying to cover their uncontrollable smiles.  Some were actually laughing out loud in a quiet sort of way. What was possibly so funny about this serious song during a time of worship?  Inside his heart he was a bit miffed by their disrespect.

After he took his seat in the pew he quickly realized that he had failed to properly close (zip up) up a particular item on his trousers. The question he repeated often throughout the song “Do you see what I see?” seemed to bring recurrent attention to the all too visible problem!

Many rules and regulations were imposed upon them for what they were allowed to do or restricted from doing from sundown on Saturday to sundown on Sunday evening. Some of these rules I read from the old English which requires readers to listen carefully for the New English equivalent. One rule I mentioned was that married couples weren’t allowed to quarrel on the Sabbath. In fact Bradford recorded one couple being fined 40 shekels for doing so.   After I finished my talk Stephen walked down to the fellowship hall with others who were preparing to enjoy a meal together.

Two men approached him and asked, “What did she mean when she said that ‘married couples weren’t allowed to crawl on the Sabbath?’”  With a twinkle in his eye one of the men said, “I’m pretty sure I know what that would mean but just want to make sure.”  

Well, they approached me next and asked the same thing.  When I clarified the word “crawl” to be “quarrel” they had a good laugh as they realized crawl was not a euphemism for marital relations but in fact I was speaking of a couple who were arguing on Sunday.

However based upon our study “marital relations” were indeed also forbidden on the Sabbath!

Chet Samuels

Farmers Branch, Texas – Two years ago Chet Samuels became the worship and arts pastor at the Farmer’s Branch Outreach Center, a large independent church in the burgeoning Dallas suburbs.  He initially felt at home in his new setting and the church seemed to be receptive to his ministry.

His problems started when he began to open the weekly worship practice with a brief devotional based upon the devotional, ”Our Daily Bread.” Some of the worship team felt it was a waste of time and they should read it at home on their own if they chose to do so. Some felt it was “legalistic” that he would even bring it up.

But his real problem surfaced when he began to insert a hymn into the 45 minute worship set. The final straw came when he directed the congregation away from the Powerpoint screen and instructed them to turn in their hymnals.  Many did not even know what he meant and began to pass the hymnals up to the front creating chaos in the church.

On Friday he was dismissed from his position.

Senior pastor Sam Smucker explained, “Hymns are generally regarded as ‘not cool’ and in this extremely competitive Dallas church market we just can’t afford to be identified as anything but “cutting edge cool.” The Living Word Community Church over in Grapevine is just killing us and we have lost a steady stream to them. The last thing we need is a hymn to destroy the church. Furthermore, many of our members complain they just can’t ‘get into worship’ if they sing a hymn. Chet is a nice enough fellow but just doesn’t fit around here. With his gifting he would probably be a better fit in a small town in the panhandle.”

A very candid Chip Hopkins who serves on the FBOC board elaborated, “Chet just wasn’t cool enough. We tried to get him to style his hair and wear a Bluetooth ear device at all times (even when he sleeps.)   We wanted him to dress with an open front shirt (preferably Hawaiian) but he had the gall to periodically wear a tie. That is so uncool!”

Pastor Chet does have an Ipod and Iphone but some have noticed he seems to have trouble using them. Hopkins stated, “He just sort of fumbles with the controls and seems unsure of himself. It sure doesn’t do much to instill confidence in his leadership.”

Chet was disappointed at his dismissal and wondered how it would look on his resume but is seeking direction from God. He feels there just must be some place he can serve although he does recognize he is perceived by many as rather old-fashioned.

Note: To avoid any further confusion the custodial staff collected the remaining hymnals in the FBOC sanctuary and will try to donate them to a homeless shelter or nursing home.

or Announced in Church Services

• Our youth basketball team is back in action Wednesday at 8 PM in the recreation hall.  Come out and watch us kill Christ the King.
• The peacemaking meeting scheduled for today has been cancelled due to a conflict.
• Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. 
• Smile at someone who is hard to love.  Say “hell” to someone who doesn’t care much about you.
• Barbara remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for transfusions.  She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
• The pastor will preach his farewell message after which the choir will sing:  “Break Forth Into Joy.”
• Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church.  So ends a friendship that began in their school days.
• A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall.  Music will follow.
• At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be “What is Hell?”  Come early and listen to our choir practice.
• Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.
• Attend and you will hear an excellent speaker and heave a healthy lunch.
• The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment and gracious hostility.
• Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM – prayer and medication to follow.
• The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind.  They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.
• This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn sing in the park across from the church.  Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

(See previous post for the initial list)

Do you have a funny story, blooper or announcement similar to the above?

Please share it by leaving comment below (comments are moderated)

1. Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles, and other items to be recycled. Proceeds will be used to cripple children.

2. The Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.
3. Evening Massage – 6 p.m.
4. The Pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday morning.
5. Low Self-esteem Support Group will meet Thursday from 7 to 8 PM. Please use back door.
6. Ushers will eat latecomers.
7. For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.
8. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.
9. The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare’s Hamlet in the church basement on Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
10. The concert held in the Fellowship Hall was a great success. Special thanks are due to the minister’s daughter, who labored the whole evening at the piano, which, as usual, fell upon her.
11. An announcement concerning the pastor’s illness: GOD IS GOOD. Pastor Hargreaves is better.
12. Potluck supper: prayer and medication to follow.
13. Don’t let worry kill you off – let the church help.
14. The Rector is on vacation. Massages can be given to the church secretary.
15. Eight new choir robes are currently needed, due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.
16. The choir invites any member of the congregation who enjoys sinning to join the choir
17. Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. Please use large double door at the side entrance.
18. Ladies, don’t forget the rummage sale. It is a good chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.
19. The peace-making meeting scheduled for today has been canceled due to a conflict.
20. Next Thursday, there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the help they can get.
21. The agenda was adopted…the minutes were approved…the financial secretary gave a grief report.
22. Barbara C. remains in the hospital and needs blood donors for more transfusions. She is also having trouble sleeping and requests tapes of Pastor Jack’s sermons.
23. The “Over 60′s Choir” will be disbanded for the summer with the thanks of the entire church.
24. A missionary from Africa, Bertha Belch, was to speak at Calvary Memorial Church. The announcement read: “Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.”
25. Miss Charlene Mason sang, “I Will Not Pass This Way Again,” giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.
26. Announcement for a National Prayer and Fasting Conference: “The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer Conference includes meals.”
27. The sermon this morning: “Jesus Walks on the Water” The sermon tonight: “Searching for Jesus”

Stockholm, Sweden – The Nobel Prize committee announced that Frederick L. Sternman has been awarded the Nobel Prize for his contribution to mankind.

Sternman is widely recognized as the inventor of SPAM email.  Like many great accomplishments his began small.  He tells his story, “In 1994 I was on several bulletin board discussion groups and had carefully collected the various email addresses of participants. I believe it was in October that I sent out a group email using these collected addresses advertising my Aunt Hildah’s mop solution for cleaning hardwood floors. It was at that point I realized the great potential for this. Although no one bought any of Aunt Hildah’s solution it’s as if a light came on. Thousands, even millions, could be reached inexpensively. Now in 2007 I marvel at how many have been impacted by my invention.”

Nobel Prize committee chairman Hanz Gunsberger smiled as he handed Sternman the prize.

He noted the following benefits to SPAM email and the great good it has done for mankind.

• Many lonely people appreciate these messages. “They just don’t get much email and the human touch is so needed in our hectic, fractured world. This just brings people together in our global community” Gunsberger noted.
• The dissemination of information just not available elsewhere, including products describing medical conditions people are not even aware they have and are very uncomfortable speaking to their doctors about.
• Making prescription medicines affordable to all.
• Providing top notch financial and investment advice.
• Expanding educational opportunities making college degrees available to all.
  
• Posting info about good, well-paying careers that people can do at home from their computer in only minutes a day.
• Helping rich African widows distribute their fortunes to worthy causes.
• Helping people to learn foreign languages. (many SPAM emails are in another language so the recipient must study to understand the message and thus learn a new language!) 
• Providing downloadable software at a fraction of market price.

There are many, many others noted Gunsberger and more all the time. “SPAM is the gift that keeps on giving.”

In accepting the Prize Sternamn stated, “This is just so incredibly meaningful to me. To think I am now in the same league with Yasser Arafat.” (Sternman converted to the Islam religion while in prison in the late nineties while serving time for internet fraud.)

Fellow Nobel prize winner Al Gore stated, “I am very happy for Fred. As the inventor of the Internet I am especially pleased to see my technology used for such worthy causes. The way I see it every email of this type is one less tree cut down for paper. He’s a brilliant man.”

A smiling Jimmy Carter, also a Nobel Prize recipient in the past stated, “I believe Fred has done much to advance world peace. Furthermore I have ordered products from these emails and they really do work.” 

But not everyone is happy. Jim Samuel who runs a firm devoted to stopping SPAM says. “I can’t believe this! These unsolicited messages are a tremendous nuisance, expense and time waster.”

Nobel prize chairman Gunsberger bristled at Samuel’s remarks, “There will always be hateful, intolerant, narrow-minded, bigoted people bent on stopping human progress” he stated. “We must ignore them and do the right thing. Furthermore hasn’t Jim Samuel heard of the delete button!”

Gunsberger gave some hints at future prize nominees but emphasized they had not been voted on yet. Those under consideration include:

• Osama Bin Laden (Peace)
• Dr. Jack Kervakin, who developed the partial birth abortion procedure. (Medicine)
• Ruth Beder Frinkman, professor at Columbia who first identified homophobia. (Sociology)
• John Starswell, who invented PacMan
• Richard Simmons, for promoting fitness worldwide
• Karen Laftery for inventing the hula hoop, (Physics)
• Larry Flint (Literature)
  
• Elias P. Spamnen for inventing canned SPAM (posthumously)
  

SPAM website